I remember when I first found out I was pregnant. My husband, Travis, and I had been married for less than a year but we had already started “trying”. I remember all of these emotions and thoughts flooding my mind. “I’ve worked so hard for this ‘good’ body. Will I be able to regain it back?” “Will I be able to nurse my baby like all the other ‘good’ moms do?” “Will I be able to stay home with my baby once he/she arrives?” “Will Travis and I still be as close?”
There are so many thoughts that moms do not talk about because they are afraid that it will make them look ungrateful for getting pregnant or because they may feel that it’s selfish. But they are real thoughts and feelings and should be validated just as much as any others. Becoming a mom, although incredible and wonderful, is self-sacrificing!
However, once the stick read “pregnant” I was also ecstatic! To know that our lives would now look like our friends’ lives, filled with baby smiles and laughs, hugs and “I love you’s”, and family outings made Travis and I both very excited. I did not tell many people at first because we wanted to savor the moment and enjoy our sweet surprise that was slowly growing inside my stomach. But my sickness, headaches, and other symptoms soon made it hard to keep under-wraps. Eventually we told our immediate family and friends and it seemed to make the news even more exciting!
As a pregnant mom, you aren’t sure about all of the pregnancy symptoms at first as every pregnancy is different. One morning I woke up to a migraine. I did not think much of it, as I would get them somewhat often from hormonal imbalance due to years of birth control pills. As soon as I got to work it only seemed to get worse. I then started to notice a sharp pain in my lower back that felt as though someone was stabbing me. I was experiencing a rather stressful day at work and so I attributed the pain to that. Within an hour of both the headache and the back pain worsening, I went to the bathroom. My pants were filled with blood. My heart dropped as I knew that this could mean I was losing the little being that has already brought us an abundance of joy. I immediately burst into tears and called my doctor. After leaving work I was instructed to return home and rest as I may just be “over doing it”. But after hours of pain and the bleeding only getting worse, I went to the hospital and was told that my baby was gone.
Travis and I laid in the hospital bed together, sobbing. Friends, family, and nurses gathered together and they could not keep it in either. My husband then wiped his eyes and asked if the people in the room would lay their hands on us as he said a prayer of peace, understanding, wisdom, and comfort. I remember thinking in that moment that I had done something wrong. Why else would this happen? The doctor then returned to our bed and said, “I want you to know that you did NOTHING wrong for this to happen. Sometimes babies just do not make it and it’s no one’s fault. It just happens.” In that moment I knew that God was already working. Although I was still heartbroken and knew that the days, weeks, months ahead would be rough, I knew that Travis’s prayer was heard and God was already giving my anxious mind peace and comfort.
“Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7, New Living Translation).
All of these thoughts at the beginning of my pregnancy did not continue to haunt me as I assumed they would. I did not wonder if I had been selfish in my thoughts and feelings and that caused my baby to return to Heaven. I did not guilt myself to where I retreated into a dark depression. Instead, with the help of my husband, family, friends, and church, I relied on them and God to see me through this tough time. God truly does heal wounds. He loves us and cares for us. He wants a relationship with us and although I would not wish a miscarriage upon anyone, I know that this created a deeper relationship between me and God and between my husband and I.
If you are in the midst of an emotional storm, full of grief, loss, pain; I urge you to find an ally and pray. Remember that you are never truly alone and that you can get through anything with the help of a “team” and Jesus Christ.
My prayer for you: “Lord, I pray that those experiences these tough times of loss and pain will turn to you. Help them to feel your presence when they feel alone. Help them to remember that you will heal their hearts and bring new blessings their way. In your son’s name I pray, Amen.”